Driving back home from Sarasota last week, I marveled aloud to Luke at my continued shock that I’m not in as much pain as we expected at this point in the pregnancy. With a spinal tumor that stems out from my spine and wraps into my right psoas muscle, any way a baby grows, they’re pressing on the tumor. Two years ago, when planning our family alongside our neurosurgeon, we all had a “Buckle up…here we go.” attitude when it came to considering how a growing baby would grow my pain levels.
Worth it? Absolutely. Scary? Undoubtedly.
If a pregnancy did happen for us, none of us knew what to expect as it progressed. It was largely assumed bed rest would be the name of the game come the second trimester.
I rubbed my 25 week stretched belly as the Florida sun set on the highway around us. “Hi mama,” my growing baby boy kicked back in response.
All at once, it struck me.
I recalled something our obstetrician pointed out to us earlier on in the pregnancy. My placenta (the organ that grows in the womb to nourish the baby) has been growing in line with my spine. Most often, these grow in line with a woman’s belly button. Because of mine nestling itself into a different spot, we’ve been able to feel and watch our baby’s movements far earlier and more easily than we would have been able to had the new organ located itself elsewhere. (Ahem…trying to avoid the word “placenta” here. Most love the word placenta about as much as they love the word moist.)
It donned on me. When gifting us our rainbow baby boy, God placed my placenta directly in line with my tumor. As our baby grows, the organ has been acting as a barrier cushion this entire time. Protecting me from what we expected to be many months of pain and even more limited mobility. Above that? The placement has helped our constantly concerned Pregnancy After Loss hearts to see and feel a baby taekwondo move whenever needed. Sip on some orange juice, lie down, baby boy parade time ensues. Reassurance reached.
It will make sense. Eventually. Always.
It’s so easy to rush. It’s so easy to face heartbreak and get angry. To feel hopeless. To feel left behind. But every single time I’ve finally reached the rainbow on the other side of the storm, countless mini miracles have revealed themselves inside the big miracle.
I met my soulmate. Big miracle. Raised in Orlando, but all of his roots stemming back to a small town in Ohio about two hours outside of my own hometown. Not only does this make Christmas visits North even more joyful, but he also knows how to respond when anyone in my family shouts out an “O-H!” Mini miracle inside a big miracle.
After a devastatingly long search, I was finally placed under the amazing care at the exact time needed of a neurosurgeon who was on board with operating on my tumor. Big miracle. Right before I was wheeled back into the OR, as we told him we had so many loved ones in Ohio praying, we discovered he, too, was not only a Buckeye, but also graduated from the very same very small high school I graduated from. It gave all of us that much more reassurance that I was exactly where I needed to be at the exact right time. Mini miracle inside a big miracle.
Unexpected. Needed. Right on time.
I don’t know what form your rainbow will show up in. Most of the time, it shows up in a form we never expected, but very much needed. What I do know is, when it does, tucked carefully inside the big miracle will be so many mind-blowing mini miracles. All of these little gifts nestled inside the big miracle will comfort you and reassure you the next time you face devastation in the eye of the storm—wondering when and how and if ever a miracle will come.
Maybe your rainbow will be a new move. Maybe it will be a new friend. Maybe it will be a new business. Maybe it will be a wild little boy. None of us can know this. But what we can all rest in is the truth that no matter its form, it is on its way. Never early. Never late. To get the big miracle with all of the mini miracles tucked in its nooks and crannies, paired and planned perfectly for our own unique story—it will arrive when it’s ready. When we are ready. Right on time.
Hang on. Keep your eye on the sky.
Big Hugs. Always & always.